Lollapalooza Day 3 (Part One): "I Would Thank God, but He Didn't Come on Stage..."

It's funny how seeing a band live totally affects what you think about songs and artists you've heard many times before. I'm back from Chicago--didn't finish this post last night, due to either total exhaustion or dehydration, not sure which. Walsh and I drove home today (actually, he's still driving...all the way back to Dallas tonight), and as I was listening to my Lolla playlist of bands like Ted Leo & The Pharmacists and The Hold Steady and Yo La Tengo, I found myself upgrading their star ratings on the iPod, almost across the board. 3-star songs are now 4; 4-star songs are now 5. Having faces and mannerisms (and displays of ridiculous talent) in my head while listening to a band, I start liking them quite a bit more. Guess that means I like live music, huh? Anyway.

Looking at the schedule when it was initially released, you could tell that Sunday was the money day for Lollapalooza 2007. As is usually the case with festivals, the best stuff was saved for last, and Lolla was no exception...which is good because otherwise folks exhausted from Days 1-2 wouldn't come back, right? No matter what, Sunday was just an unbelievable day of performances from top to bottom.

Amy Winehouse

We got to the park on Sunday even later than our allotted 15-minute tardiness. The subway near Hear No Evil's apartment was insanely packed, and we couldn't fit on the train the first time around. By the time we rolled up, we had already missed Smoosh--three teenage girls from Seattle (sorry, one is pre-teen...born in NINETEEN NINETY-FREAKING-SIX), one of whom apparently raps occasionally. Walsh had heard some of their music and said it was delightful in a novelty sort of way. They released their first album as a duo, She Like Electric, when they were 10 and 12; they are now wisened veterans at the ripe old ages of 13 and 15 (and 11). When Walsh told me about wanting to see them, we had this awkward exchange:

Walsh: They're pretty cool when you realize just how young they were when they made this album.
Me: (long pause) I really hope they're not hot.
Walsh: Yeah, that'd be really weird. Maybe we shouldn't see them.

I probably shouldn't have shared that. Anyway, when we showed up at Grant Park five minutes after their set ended, we had missed out on our chance to say, when in 15 years they're the biggest names in rock music, that we saw them play at Lollapalooza before they could even drive. Oh well. Put that regret right up there next to missing Spoon and Muse on Night Two.

As we approached the park, we could hear Amy Winehouse, who was apparently 10 minutes late to her set as well, belting out some of Lauryn Hill's "Doo Wap (That Thing)" before heading into her own "Back to Black." We found our place in the crowd, and...well, I don't remember much after that because it was just devastatingly hot. The ground was wet from Day Two's rain, and it almost felt like steam rising from the ground. Just disgusting.

Anyway, after seeing Amy Winehouse perform in person, all I can say is, whoever thought to provide her with two huge, dancing male backup singers would be commended. First of all, without their presence, the stage would be devoid of all kinetic energy--Winehouse wiggled her hips a bit but pretty much stood in the same 2-foot radius the entire show. And second of all, without them the stage would be basically empty. She takes up less room than one of the mic stands.

That's not to say Winehouse isn't a strong performer, though. She slurs a bit in the typical R&B fashion (not the "in need of rehab" fashion...well, maybe a little), and she looks at the ground when she sings, but she delivered the goods in Chicago. The set closed with "You Know I'm No Good," "Me & Mr. Jones" (Walsh loved the "You made me miss the Slick Rick gig" line), "Rehab," and "Valerie", quite the foursome.

I also got the added bonus of hearing Hear No Evil say "Jesus Christ!" when she turned her head and her profile revealed just how much hair she has in that beehive. That hair's the only thing keeping her above 80 pounds, I think. Walsh says she'll probably go crazy and shave her head in less than three years. We'll see.

Paolo Nutini

Paolo Nutini is an entirely unique creature. His name sounds Italian, his complexion looks Spanish, and his bio says he's from Scotland. Maybe that's why his accent and cadence are something none of us had ever heard. His music is a bit too "for the ladies" for my tastes (not Enrique Iglesias Level or anything, though), but it was unique enough to keep my attention. He opened with the one song of his I'd heard, "Alloway Grove", a catchy tune with the hook of "However much you want me, I swear I'll make you want me more." He followed with "New Shoes", a song that, as far as I can tell, is his biggest hit in the states. It was decent, but between the growing stink of the mud pit that had formed near where we were standing from Night Two's rain and the fact that there was another act I wanted to catch (not to mention the pad thai calling my name once again), that was about all of Nutini I caught.

I could see this guy hitting it pretty big overall. The ladies find him attractive, and he writes catchy songs. In general, that's a pretty good formula for success.

Apostle of Hustle

On the Playstation Stage, we caught quite a bit of the Canadian group, Apostle of Hustle. I was looking forward to them simply because of their fantastic name. They grew on Walsh and me slowly as the show wore on, breaking into a strange skit about a Pony Express rider and George Bush's head...or something like that, and honestly I was intrigued by the weird variety in their music, but it was hard to come up with an opinion of such a weird band in the 20 or so minutes we saw them. They might have to be an emusic download or something.

Iggy and the Stooges

Ten minutes into The Stooges' set, they had already obliterated Walsh's eardrums (it only took one note), set fire to early songs like "Loose" and "1969", and Iggy had already humped an amp and announced "We are...the f---ing...Stooges." They didn't waste time making an impression.

On the drive up to Chicago, I mentioned to Walsh that I was very impressed with how well The Stooges' early albums had aged over the years. Well, when performed live, it sounds like it was written yesterday (other than the fact that it's talking about 1969, 1970, et cetera). With Mike Watt of the Minutemen on bass, Ron Asheton on guitar, and Scott Asheton on drums (with a cameo from saxophonist Steve Mackay), The Stooges sounded amazing. They laid down the groove and let Iggy be Iggy.

And oh, was Iggy Iggy. Jumping on amps, executing his only-slightly-more-varied-than-Beatle-Bob's dance moves, high fiving the crowd, et cetera. He was in rare form (well...it might not have been rare at all), but I at least hope he warned the band before inviting half the crowd up on stage. During "No Fun", he decided it was no fun to be alone and opened the gates. At least 100 members of the crowd flooded the stage, and chaos reigned. No way was this ending well. After "No Fun," the band escaped to the back of the stage, and somehow everybody left in a more-or-less orderly fashion as Iggy emceed the proceedings, thanking almost everyone ("I would thank God, but he didn't come on stage...").

And then the band rolled on, closing with "1970," an amazing "Fun House," and "Skull King." I couldn't have been more impressed, though the volume almost left me dizzy a couple times. Iggy is as nuts as I could have possibly imagined, but these guys put on a frickin' show.

Yo La Tengo

Yo La Tengo followed across the field from the Stooges, an odd transition considering this band looks like they belong as much on the Kidzapalooza stage or at a Bar Mistvah than on the Adidas stage. Oh, but they can rock. Every song sounds totally different, pulled together only by the falsetto and the gorgeous ringing organ serving as an undercurrent. All the band's qualities and talents were on display during the epic "Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind" (the fact that the 10+ minute version of this song was the opener for their last album, I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass, tells you everything you need to know about this creative, interesting band) and the amusing, double-falsetto "Mr. Tough." The band's put out about 75 albums (okay, 16) since their 1986 formation, and I'm thinking I'll be hopping on emusic to pick up a few more.

!!!

A very aptly-titled band, as every lyric I heard from the singer was basically "!!!" They're an exciteable bunch, though I can't say I heard enough to make an impression beyond that.

My Morning Jacket

As a band, you hope to improve with each recording. In your wildest dreams, you can barely hope to make the album-to-album leap of My Morning Jacket and the songwriting of Jim James. Hear No Evil had only heard 2001's At Dawn leading up to Lolla and couldn't really figure out why I'd been giddy all weekend about seeing this group. He actually stuck around to watch most of the apparently lackluster Modest Mouse set before catching the last few songs and figuring everything out.

While At Dawn and its predecessor The Tennessee Fire are decent listens, the quantum leap from those two to It Still Moves to the unparalleled Z is the biggest album-to-album-to-album leap since Radiohead going from Pablo Honey to The Bends to OK Computer. This band has always been good live (or so the live recordings tell me), but not surprisingly, when you have much better songs to perform, you become a much better performer.

In other words, MMJ blew my mind. Leading off with three tracks from Z--"Anytime," "What a Wonderful Man," and "Off the Record"--they put on a display of enthusiasm, talent, and unrivaled team chemistry. Jim James throws himself around the stage (at one point, he did an almost Chuck Berry-like slide across the stage on his knees), and the others aren't any less boisterous.

After three songs, MMJ introduced a special guest: the Chicago Youth Symphony Orchestra. They knocked out "Gideon," "Wordless Chorus" (my personal favorite), and "Dancefloors", almost overpowering the CYSO at times with their already-full live sound. However, it was on "Just One Thing" and "Golden" when the harmony between the band and youths (my buddy Joe: "All those kids up there are first-chair band nerds, but right now they're way cooler than I'll ever be.") kicked in. The rawkus performance continued with "Lay Low," "One Big Holiday," and "Run Thru," and I thought that was going to be it for them. Only they did something every other band visiting Chicago should be required to do: they finished with a Curtis Mayfield cover. As if they didn't already have my heart. The CYSO was loud and clear playing the main hook to "Move On Up," an absolutely perfect close to the show. Not surprisingly, they ran over a bit (though as my buddy Joe said, "you wouldnt ask a top chef to cook your filet well done and you dont ask MMJ to play for only 60 minutes"), but it was well worth it...for everybody not involved with TV on the Radio anyway.

TV on the Radio

For some reason, all sets on Sunday started at :15 after the hour instead of :00. This became pretty silly when TV on the Radio was given a 45-minute set (7:15 to 8:00) instead of the hour that everybody else on the main stages were given. Plus, unlike other acts throughout the day, they couldn't bleed over their limit by a few minutes because they were preceding the festival's closer, Pearl Jam. They had to cut it off right at 8:00.

In other words, when MMJ bled over by 6 minutes or so, TVOTR's set was cut to about 39 minutes long. Very unfortunate. Also unfortunate was the fact that I couldn't hear them very well because there were so many people in the crowd by this point that we were pretty much stuck where we'd been for MMJ, about two softball fields away. I did hear enough, however, to answer the major question that had been stuck in my head for a while: how in the hell does TVOTR duplicate their studio sound on stage? It's got so many different parts to it, and there are so many industrial sounds, that I couldn't figure it out.

The answer? They don't try to duplicate that sound. They create a new one. They don't bring 1,000 different instruments with them on stage (though they've got quite a few), they just locate the essence of the song and figure out how to duplicate that with the typical indie band setup. The reworked versions of songs like "The Wrong Way" and "Dreams" were perfect, and in a completely different way than I'd imagined.

Pearl Jam

For now, I'm going to skip Pearl Jam's performance. That's a post to itself. If they weren't before, they are certainly now the most important band of my generation.

Anyway, for now...a quick rundown of Day Three.

Biggest surprise: Honestly, it was probably the musical punch of The Stooges. Iggy lived up to all expectations (and then some), but the guitar-bass combination of the incomparable Mike Watt and the Asheton brothers just dominated...they made those 40-year old songs sound like they were written today. Plus they managed to play competently with 200 fans on the stage. Much respect to The Stooges.

Best beard: We'll go with Jim James of My Morning Jacket.

Best cover: We'll go with two...one was predictable (Pearl Jam's "Rockin' in the Free World", which I will discuss at length tomorrow) and one was very much not (MMJ's "Move On Up").

Best T-shirt: A male of obvious Indian complexion wearing a shirt that said "No, I will not fix your computer." I giggled about that all night. Runner-up: "PC Load Letter??" You either don't get that shirt at all, or you think it's genius.

Most Frustrating Part of Lollapalooza: I was going to say the oppressive humidity of Chicago in August, then I was going to say the random people throwing empty bottles and glow sticks in the crowd, but hey...the festival's over now. No need to complain about anything.

Number of Mizzou Shirts in the Crowd: 2. One a generic gray T-shirt, and one mid-'90s #33 basketball jersey (Mizzou hero Kelly Thames). That was fantastic to see.

Top Three Acts of Day Three: When The Stooges ended, I thought "Wow...MMJ and Pearl Jam have their work cut out for them if they want to snag the #1 spot." When MMJ ended, I thought "Wow...Pearl Jam has their work cut out for them if they want to snag the #1 spot." Yeah, Pearl Jam came through, as you'll see tomorrow. 1) Pearl Jam, 2) My Morning Jacket, 3) Iggy & The Stooges.

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Lollapalooza Day 2: Weather, T-shirts, and It's Just Not Fair...

Two days into Lollapalooza, I know three things for sure: 1) the first thing to cramp up when you're out of concert shape and you've seen 12 bands in 26 hours is your right calf, 2) it's going to be disgustingly humid today, and 3) it's not fair for anybody to have to follow The Roots. It's just not. It sprinkled on and off for most of the shows we attended on Day Two, negatively affecting the overall number of bands we saw, but not the performances of the bands themselves. Whereas Day One was dominated by a theme of political anger and action, Day Two was simply the day for fantastic music interspersed amongst raindrops.

Tapes 'n Tapes

As will apparently have been our custom all weekend, we showed up about 10-15 minutes into the set of the first band we wanted to see. But I dare say we didn't miss much showing up late for Minneapolis' Tapes 'n Tapes...and not because it wasn't worth seeing. Quite the contrary. It's just that, as we made our way to the Myspace stage, they began their masterpiece from 2006's The Loon, "10 Dollar Ascots," a quiet-loud-quiet-loud song where lead singer Josh Grier ranges from The Shins' James Mercer to Kurt Cobain in one quick step. I don't know how their set started, but this was the perfect way to start the part that I saw. After a tuning break that saw Grier lecture us motherly on reapplying sunscreen "even on an overcast day...it's like when you go skiing and it's cloudy all day, and then you get back to the hotel and you look like a tomato," T'nT plowed through a set featuring both songs from The Loon and new, as-yet-unreleased songs that I really enjoyed. They had witty banter and a great stage presence, and they aren't afraid to experiment in their music.

In the abbreviated set that we saw, Matt Kretzman played everything from tambourine to keys to baritone (the fastest way to my heart: feature a multi-instrumentalist in your band...oh, and cover Curtis Mayfield), and they varied the tones from the rocking "Ascots" to the toned-down, baritone-laden "Omaha". In all, color me impressed. I really enjoyed The Loon, but I wasn't sure it would translate to a solid live show. It did.

Kevin Michael

As we were walking from the Kevin Michael set over to the Playstation Stage to watch Sam Roberts Band, Walsh and I came to an agreement: a) Kevin Michael can sing his ass off, b) he has no idea how to write a song yet, c) he showed that having a 'fro doesn't automatically equal greatness, d) if he's 20-21 years old, he's got a bright future ahead of him, and e) if he's 29-30 years old, he's screwed.

The verdict? He's 22. There's still hope. Dude really can sing.

Sam Roberts Band

As we were walking down Jackson Street toward the park, Walsh, Hear No Evil, HNE's girlfriend, and I were reviewing our plan of action for the day. I mentioned that I was thinking about checking out the Sam Roberts Band because I'd heard good things...even though I couldn't remember where I'd heard good things. A 16-year old female walking by responded with the following: "OHMIGOD, YOU HAVE TO SEE THEM...THEY'RE SOOOOOO GOOD...YOU'LL LOVE THEM...PROMISE ME YOU'LL SEE THEM...OHMIGOD, THEY'RE SOOOOOO GOOD." So we had to go see them. After all, if 16-year old girls like them, how can they be bad? Oh wait...

To our surprise, the girls were right! The pride of Montreal, Quebec, didn't let us down. They had an overtly enthusiastic audience (complete with Canadian flags), a strong, radio-friendly rock sound, and Beatle Bob in their corner. Which reminds me...as great as Beatle Bob is, his repertoire really only consists of four major moves and an occasional fifth: 1) shake the marimbas, 2) right cross, 3) left hook, 4) occasional kick with the right foot, and 5) the twist, saved for special occasions. I guess it's a sign of his sheer genius that he achieves greatness with a limited repertoire. He's like The Ramones of revered old fans who get to dance onstage whenever they want.

Anyway, at the end, after a set highlighted by songs like "The Resistance" and "Dead End", Beatle Bob took the mic and reached an agreement with the crowd that SRB should be invited back to every Lollapalooza between now and the end of time. Consider it done!

Stephen Marley

One hour of "Hey, wasn't my dad frickin' awesome?!" He completed the best Bob Marley cover set I've ever heard, but...yeah, I hoped he'd bring more to the table other than strong covers of "Iron Lion Zion" and "Could You Be Loved" (among about 18 other Bob covers). Oh well.

Rhymefest

After a quick lunch--word has spread about the fantastic food at the Star of Siam booth, by the way...there were a good 12-15 people standing in line between me and the tempura chicken & vegetables that awaited--we weren't sure which act we were going to check out while killing time for the 4:30 Roots performance. I saw horns soundchecking on the stage that was to hold Rhymefest, and I was totally sold. Hip hop + horns? Are you freaking kidding me? That's like crack to me. It didn't stop at the horns--he had a full band, breakdancers, a hype man (I can't wait for the day that rock music begins to incorporate the hype man...the sky's the limit), he crowd-surfed, the audience was fantastic (Rhymefest's a Chicago guy, and there were plenty of familiar faces in the crowd), the band broke out Zeppelin and James Brown riffs...

...and yet it wasn't as good overall as I thought it would be. No matter what else you've got going for you--and this guy had a lot--your songs still have to be top-notch. Dude's head is in the right place, though...and he's somebody worth keeping track of.

Sound Tribe Sector 9 (STS9)

The Bee Gees for the 21st Century. Okay, that's not fair. It's just not my thing.

The Roots

Some bands just know what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter whether they have a 30-minute slot or three full hours, you know what you’re getting from them, and when the show’s over, you’re going to know all about what they have to offer. The next two Lolla bands we saw—The Roots and The Hold Steady—fall directly into this category. Fans of some bands come to a show thinking, “I hope they play (a specific song).” But that’s not the case for these two bands. Their shows are more like paintings—no specific memories of the process, just one singular, outstanding memory of the show as a whole.

In 2002, as I’ve mentioned before, I attended a Smokin’ Grooves Tour stop at Nissan Pavilion outside DC. The tour had a stellar lineup—Jurassic 5, Lauryn Hill, Outkast—but The Roots outshone everybody, and they do so at every given opportunity. Halfway through the band’s set, my girlfriend-at-the-time turned to me and said, “I had no idea!” I don’t even remember what song they were playing at the time, and I’m sure she couldn’t tell you either. It was just that, after 30-45 minutes of hearing them perform, her amazement overflowed.

The Roots were the single band that sold Walsh on coming (granted, he said okay to going to Chicago before actually knowing why he was going--he's just that cool--but The Roots actually got him excited about it), and they almost managed to exceed his lofty expectations. It's just really not fair what they bring to the table. It's one thing to be the best live hip hop band in the world, it's another to have basically the best drummer, best keyboardist, best horn section (with sousaphone!), best bass player, and even best guitarist at the festival. It's just an impossible act to follow.

Starting with a drum-and-vocals only version of "Web", lyrically one of Black Thought's best efforts, and rolling through a chaotic "Here I Come", the band then introduced one of the more crowd-pleasing aspects of a Roots Show--the random covers. It assures that even if you don't know a single Roots song, you're going to recognize something, and you're guaranteed to enjoy yourself. First up on the random covers list? A nice "Ironman" riff.

A killer version of "Star", one of the funkier cuts from The Tipping Point, followed, before the band went back in time with Do You Want More?!!!??!'s "Mellow My Man", breaking it down into a big jazz mess before bringing it back.

At this point, about halfway through their allotted hour, they broke out the cover medley and won over any lingering hold outs. Everything from "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" to Talib Kweli's "Get By" (which was a bit of tease because I thought Kweli might actually be making a guest appearance...alas, no) to Biz Markie to O.D.B. (that one made Walsh giddy) was fair game, and considering this band can take anything and make it sound like they've rehearsed it 250,000 times (maybe they actually have), they owned every song.

Having an all-encompassing live reputation and not an audience dying to hear the latest single does mean one does thing: you’re probably not on the radio much. This is definitely the case with these two bands. The Roots have been critcial favorites for a decade now, yet their most successful single came almost a decade ago, when Things Fall Apart’s “You Got Me” reached #39 on the Billboard Hot 100. Their relationship with Geffen Records became strained when nothing on 2002’s amazing Phrenology or 2004’s The Tipping Point came anywhere near that level of success. Live reputations don’t matter to record labels if that doesn’t translate into album sales, after all.

However, their tight relationship with Jay-Z paid off with a switch to Def Jam for 2006’s Game Theory. Jay-Z told them not to focus on radio play--just to focus on being the best band in the world. This is probably a good thing because even their biggest hit, “You Got Me,” isn’t given the hit treatment at shows. If you've heard versions from The Roots Come Alive or the soundtrack from Chappelle's Block Party, you know that they'll sometimes bring out a Jill Scott or Erykah Badu and take it into some strange, jazzy places. No guests on this set--Captain Kirk OWNED this song. He sang the female part and ripped off the best solo of the festival to date. Kirk has seemingly become a bigger and bigger part of the Roots' live act with each progressing year, and he absolutely dominated. He's a master of rock, R&B, and gospel, and with The Roots he gets the space to show off his entire repertoire.

"You Got Me" turned into my favorite Roots song, Phrenology's "The Seed"--once again owned by Captain Kirk--and the set came to a close with an R&B jam that allowed each band member to show off on the way off the stage. Not only was it unfair to other bands who had to follow The Roots, it was unfair that I only got an hour of them. They should have been headlining the night--that would have solved both problems.

The Hold Steady

The Hold Steady has been on the radio far less than The Roots, but they're starting to build the same type of live reputation. And they're so unbelievably grateful for it. You can just tell that these guys--all seemingly music dorks in their mid-30s--can't believe their luck at finding this life and career. Most of the fans near the Myspace stage knew all the words to all the songs, and Craig Finn (in his jersey of Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, of all people) was having such a great time with them. After a wonderful rock set (we missed the first 15 minutes getting across the park after The Roots), Finn talked to the crowd during the closer, "Killer Parties," thanked them for coming and almost welled up in disbelief over his good fortune when talking about how they're opening for the Stones later this month. "There's so much joy in what we do." Amen to that. You see one Hold Steady show, and you're hooked, both musically and emotionally.

Another emotional connection came when Finn pointed out how they're from Minnesota, and seemingly every other song has a reference to the Mississippi River. He gave a genuine display of sympathy and condolences to those who'd suffered due to last week's bridge collapse.

Oh, and for Michael Atchison, here's the set we saw: Party Pit, Hot Soft Light, Stevie Nix (my personal favorite...love the "You remind me of Rod Stewart when he was young/You've got passion, you think you're sexy, and all the punks think you're dumb" lyric), You Can Make Him Like You, Your Little Hoodrat Friend, Southtown Girls, How a Resurrection Really Feels, Killer Parties.

Yeah Yeah Yeah's

They're another band on Rolling Stone's "Top Live Acts" list, and after seeing them live, I think I get it. The music's not really for me--and the glowing Perry Farrell introduction didn't do anything to sway me (Thanks for the festival, Perry, but I don't really think we have the same tastes). Then again, The Roots might have just destroyed my ability to appreciate anybody new. Either way, Karen O. owns the stage. The fishnets, the masks, the screaming...it's pretty easy to see how some folks get pretty captivated.

After the YYY's set we met up with Hear No Evil and HNE's girlfriend to determine how the rest of the evening would shake down. There was more rain (supposedly) on the way, and we had a decision to make...no matter what, we'd make the wrong one. We decided to skip out on Spoon and Muse (despite the fabulous live reputation Muse has been building), and of course...it never did rain hard. And of course...a friend of the group met up later and raved about how amazing and "almost Radiohead-like" Muse was. Sigh.

And now, a quick rundown of Day Two (coming directly after the long rundown of Day Two):

Biggest surprise: Honestly, the joy in Craig Finn's face. Can't overstate how happy they are to be where they are.

Best beard: Nobody (on-stage, at least) had a dominant beard--Tapes 'n Tapes' Josh Grier, Sam Roberts, and The Roots' Black Thought all have beards, but they're too well-groomed to qualify as a killer beard, so I'm changing this category to...

Best T-shirt: Fans bring their T-shirt 'A' games to music festivals. A retro "Bo Don't Know Diddley" shirt, a nice "Suits Suck," a creative "Paul Pozsluzny Poops His Pants" or "F--- Michigan", or maybe just a shirt of the band you're most wanting to see (we saw quite a few Sam Roberts shirts, but Daft Punk has the most loyal shirt-buying fans by far...and the highest percentage of fan mohawks, as well, but that's a separate story)...you get a nice variety. I have no 'A' game, which is why I showed up with just a random smattering of shirts from which to choose (though I am breaking out my "Kansas City Loves the Royals: Share the Wealth" shirt today...that should make Walsh sufficiently giddy and get him to forgive me for the Kurt Warner reference on Thursday).

Anyway, I have to give Saturday's award to the dude wearing the "Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War" shirt. Kudos.

Best cover: Not a lot of covers today, so I'll have to choose one of The Roots' 18 mini-covers. We'll go with ODB's "Shimmy Shimmy Ya."

Most Frustrating Part of Lollapalooza: Who thought it was a good idea to put Regina Spektor on right after The Roots? And who told her it was a good idea to do an almost entirely piano-and-vocals set at a festival? Just wondering. Didn't work.

Number of Mizzou Shirts in the Crowd: 1, but the dude made it count--it was a full-on Brad Smith #16 jersey. Oh yeah.

Top Three Acts of Day Two: As if you couldn't tell...1) The Roots, 2) The Hold Steady, 3T) Sam Roberts Band and Tapes 'n Tapes.

And finally, Walsh's Lolla Beard:

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What's That Sound Inside That Grave?

I made this point a few days ago, but now the Southern Christian Leadership Conference is showing its complete loss of any of the integrity and decency that gave it a place in American history. Inequality growing, blacks incarcerated so disproportionately and deprived of votes, driving while black still going strong, and what do they plan to do to honor Dr. King? Defend Michael Vick, who at best provided a site for the needless and brutal destruction of God's creatures. We have the answer for all those other evils that Dr. King would really be fighting still existing without serious challenge, don't we?

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Lollapalooza Day 1: War, Beards, and...Lithium

Well, if our plans hold together (and I'm pretty sure they will), a few things about Sunday night are pretty certain: a) I will be sneezing about every 45 seconds, b) Walsh will have skin cancer, c) we'll have seen between 25 and 30 bands, d) everyone's legs will have entirely given out, e) I'll be addicted to Benadryl (okay, I am already), and f) we'll have been part of a simply unbelievable music festival.

There was a distinct vibe in the air on Day One of Lollapalooza 2007. From Ted Leo & the Pharmacists singing "only you know what you've done," to the Polyphonic Spree's "When the Fool Becomes a King" (subtle), to Against Me! singing a refrain of "CONDOLEEZA! CONDOLEEZA!" to the strange political ramblings of Electric Six's Dick Valentine, to Ben Harper and Eddie Vedder trading verses on "Masters of War", the smell of politics was in the air. More specifically, it was the scent of political anger, righteousness, passion, and action. It's not an "I voted for the other guy" kind of energy--it's something deeper. And the crowd feels it too. There's an energy to political songwriting and performance that I haven't seen before, and it seems to grow with each passing year as more bands give political writing a try...and often succeed.

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

At 1:30, Ted Leo and his band appeared on the Myspace stage, and apparently Leo slipped and fell early in the set, cutting his hand. We showed up directly thereafter, in time to see TL&P rip through “Where Have All the Good Boys Gone?” and "Annunciation Day/Born on Christmas Day." TL&P are, to me, a band with a lot of potential over the coming years, combining pointed, interesting lyrics with a somewhat modern rock sound. Leo's voice and melodies are mostly generic Fall-Out-Boy-esque high, but he takes tools he's been given and uses it the most creative, innovative ways possible. The guitar progressions are assertive, and each diversion from typical rock--particularly the smooth R&B of "The Unwanted Things"--works. TL&P wrapped up a relatively quick 40-minute set (they were allotted 60...maybe they came back for an encore...wouldn't know because we were hauling ass across the park to see Polyphonic Spree) by absolutely destroying (in a good way) "C.I.A.", a song as good as anything I've heard this year. Really good way to start the festival.

The Polyphonic Spree

There's really no unique way to describe this weird, weird band at this point...everything's already been said. They do indeed have about 12-14 musical instruments playing at any one time, they do indeed have a choir of about 9 backup singers, they do indeed wear matching uniforms (though for the first 3/4 of Friday's performance, they ditched the white robes for an all-black getup), and they do indeed strike you as something significantly resembling a cult. Walsh said he had the opportunity to see them in Dallas a while back, but he'd have had to go by himself, and he was worried he'd be singled out for being by himself and end up drugged and in the back of the Spree bus.

That said, I'm sure the novelty has somewhat worn off with what they're doing here, but they do put on one helluva show. I can't imagine watching them for 2-3 straight hours, but honestly...it should be a requirement that all U.S. music festivals allot an hour to The Spree (and the Flaming Lips for that matter, but I digress). They're the perfect festival band, and they pulled out all the stops for Chicago. After the legendary Beetle Bob made an appearance, out came the Chicago Tap Theatre to dance, and suddenly there were about 40 people on stage. They wrapped up the set resplendent in the white robes I'd expected all along, pulling off a strikingly solid "Lithium" (yes, that "Lithium") and finishing with "When the Fool Becomes a King". They certainly made the most of their hour.

Electric Six

My buddy Walsh requested watching this band--he described him in the following way: "Every song of theirs is about either sex, nuclear war, or dancing." Needless to say, I was sold. What else do I know about them now? Well...they're the self-proclaimed "premiere party band" of Chicago, which is impressive considering what a collection of dorks this band appears to be. Oh, and they're also "Chicago's premiere political band," so keep that in mind next time you find yourself looking for such a thing in the Upper Midwest. Mid-set, lead singer Dick Valentine unleashed a rambling rant about politics and Bush and bad sound and--in a move reminding me of Guster's epic Oldsmobile rant (scroll down to the “Expensive Words” portion of the article), stage sponsor Playstation, while sarcastically thanking Perry Farrell (Lolla's founder) about 18 times. This is not a band out to make friends with peers. Oh, and Valentine dances like I would...if I danced in public, anyway (there are rumors that I danced at my wedding, but there is no photographic evidence...I made sure of it). As for the songs themselves? Quite interesting. Walsh's aforementioned description was dead on, as Bush material quickly turned into a "Dance Epidemic".

Honestly, Electric Six comes across as a cross between the MC5 and No Doubt. Seriously. And despite that statement, I highly recommend checking them out. There’s a shamelessness to their strange postures that is quite refreshing. I'm not saying you'll love them--but I strive to find unique bands, and...yeah...they definitely fit that bill, especially in a live setting.

moe.

Jam band checklist!

* Hackysack circle (replete with old guy in a "Pink Floyd 1987 World Tour" shirt, tights, and Bud Light beer kozies fashioned into gloves and stuck on his hands, and a bunch of high-school age dudes absolutely worshipping the ground he walks on)? Check!

* Long, rambling (sometimes too rambling) songs? Check!

* 18 contact highs? Check!

* Skill and quality solos? Check!

I wondered aloud when moe. started if they were physically capable of playing less than 60 minutes (their allotted time). They were not, bleeding several minutes over and cutting short Blonde Redhead's set. (Quick note: Blonde redhead's lead singer is neither blonde nor a redhead. Tawlk amongst yourselves.)

G. Love and the Special Sauce

G. Love's an institution at this point. Not just anyone can pull off his eclectic mix of jazz, funk, R&B, funk, blues, funk, crooning to the ladies (who outnumbered males in the front row about 4-to-1), funk, and improvised hip hop verses--not to mention pulling off a cover of Snoop's "Gin and Juice"--while remaining unashamedly, unabashedly white. Power to him. I can't really say much more than that. G. Love is G. Love...though I did love Walsh's comment, "I wonder what it would be like to actually have a conversation with this guy. I'd probably hate it."

The Black Keys

The first true discovery of the festival. I'd heard good things about this 2-man band from Akron, OH, but I hadn't ever actually heard their music. That is no longer the case. The Black Keys--guitarist/lead singer Daniel Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney--took the Bud Light Stage at 6:30 and overloaded the speakers even more than The Polyphonic Spree, who outnumbered them almost literally 20-to-1. Auerbach is a guitar powerhouse, knocking out both rhythm and lead guitar parts at once. Plus he's got a fantastic rock beard.

I didn't know any of the songs they played--though I plan to remedy that soon by diving into their catalog--but they sound like a cross between the Allman Brothers, Son Volt, and (of course) the White Stripes. They had a pretty hardcore, knowledgeable fanbase in attendance, as well (for a while, it seemed like the entire city of Akron was there in support), which helped with the overall experience.

LCD Soundsystem

After partaking in the best pad thai of my life--in a music festival of all places...seriously, if you come to Lolla, be sure to check out the hundreds (okay, tens) of cheap food choices from the Taste of Chicago festival--I headed across the park once again to check out Rolling Stone's #20 current live band. What did I think? If you dance, you'll love this band. Strong beats, lots of percussion...problem is, as I mentioned before, I don't dance. So what I'm left with is a pulsating beat and repetitious vocals. Not necessarily a bad thing by any means--a lot of people were enjoying themselves--but it's just really not my thing. So after a couple songs, we headed back across the park (ggh) for the last half of Femi Kuti's set.

(Hear No Evil stayed for the entire set and said it got better and better as the set wore on. So there you go.)

Femi Kuti and the Positive Force

Earlier in the day, on the way over to watch G. Love, we ran into a friend of ours from school--he's the one who introduced me to Jurassic 5 and Guster...I owe him big, I would say. Anyway, he's big into the Afrobeat stuff, and Fela Kuti is one of the kings of Afrobeat. He was telling me which Fela Kuti albums I should buy, and I was discussing the benefits of Hugh Masekela (it was the music nerd moment of the weekend so far!), and we both agreed that Femi Kuti could not be missed. They were precisely what one would expect from the Son of Afrobeat. Lots of folks onstage, those beautiful hopping basslines, horns, backups singers, et cetera. Unfortunately Walsh and I were absolutely exhausted by this point, so we sat on the grass a long way away in instead of fighting the crowd to groove (i.e. nod my head and bend my knees in somewhat rhythmic motion) up close. Really, it's pretty good sitting-on-the-grass-and-relaxing music too.

Ben Harper

While the younger half of the crowd was on the other end of the park watching Daft Punk--I had no idea they were as big with the youngsters (yeah, I just said youngsters) as they apparently are, though the rumored Kanye guest appearanace was not to be--Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals took the stage directly after Femi Kuti and lit a fire into the probably 20,000-30,000 fans watching (I'm horrid at guessing the size of crowds...as far as I know, it could have been 10,000 or 50,000 too). They didn't mess around, starting their set with the incendiary Katrina response, "Black Rain", seguing in and out of Marvin's "Make Me Wanna Holler", giving bassist Juan Nelson lots of room for solos, and after about 12-14 minutes, moving into "With My Own Two Hands."

In the past, Harper performed almost entirely from his 'throne', sitting and playing variations of lap slide guitars for most of the show. Well he doesn't sit much anymore, and giving himself the freedom to move around and dance and cheer on the rest of the band has upped his charisma and intensity levels (never a deficiency before, by any means) tenfold. Leaning toward the crowd and singing (to the government, not the crowd) "Don't you dare speak to us like we work for you", was a mighty intense way to start the show.

Pot anthem "Burn One Down"--complete with an ungodly percussion solo from Leon Mobley--was third on the setlist, then after 3 songs and almost 35 minutes, the tone changed. Mixed into passionate performances of "Please Bleed" and "Forgiven" were three songs with an almost country vibe. First up was "In the Colors", the first single from BH&IC's upcoming album, Lifeline. It has a laid-back, loving set of lyrics and a country/R&B feel, and it works (though it'll work even more when the band is more comfortable with it and adds some solos). This is where their versatility as a band stands out. After spending the first third of the concert singing R&B/funk/rock-laced protest anthems, BH&IC's were able to switch styles almost completely without losing credibility. Next was another new song, "Say You Will", an uptempo number with the same vibe (and solos), followed finally by "Diamonds on the Inside", from the 2002 album with the same name. This is a country song that Harper took on an almost gospel detour toward the end, and like everything else, it worked.

Next up, Harper said he was going to welcome a friend of his to the stage..."you'll probably recognize him".

Me: Ooh, I bet this is Eddie.
Walsh: Who? (crowd goes bonkers) Oh, THAT Eddie.

They both had a seat and started strumming acoustic guitars, and I could see it coming. A few weeks ago, to get Walsh pumped up about going to Lolla (not that he actually needed any help in that regard), I sent him a copy of The Roots covering Dylan's "Masters of War" to the tune of the National Anthem. It's insanely good, and Walsh was hoping to hear it today during their performance. Well...this is no knock on The Roots' version of it--it really is amazing--but I'm not sure there's any way to top watching Ben Harper and Eddie Vedder close their eyes and belt this one out. Vedder is the only performer more intense than Harper, and they kept one-upping each other as the verses progressed. The TV screen to the side of the stage had close-ups of them while they were performing, and I swear...if I didn't know for a fact that my legs were shaking due simply to exhaustion, I'd have sworn the raw intensity of their performance had made me weak in the knees (and I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to say that). It was the perfect way to cap off a day of politically-tinged performances, right down to the last verse--you know the one...the "And I hope that you die/And your death will come soon" verse--which got an almost frighteningly intense cheer from the crowd.

A rousing version of Both Sides of the Gun's "Better Way" finished the set and sent us scattering onto the streets of Chicago, looking for a cab. We failed, and after an hour of walking around and searching, the subway had thinned out enough for us to take that back to Hear No Evil's neighborhood for a beer, a bite to eat, and a bed. In an hour or so, we leave for Day Two.

And now, a quick rundown of Day One (coming directly after the long rundown of Day One):

Biggest surprise: I was about to say the Black Keys, but they were one-upped...by pad thai. The food choices at Lollapalooza are fantastic and cheap. I was expecting the typical burger-and-brat fare, and those are definitely options, but the Lolla Food Court features lots of local Chicago treats, including an amazing Star of Siam stand with pad thai, potstickers, tempura, and cool-looking chicken satay, all for $5-6. I might eat there all weekend.

Best beard: Apparently in 2007, the cool look for bands is to look like...The Band. I was already preparing myself to compare My Morning Jacket to The Band on Sunday, but looks-wise, everybody's imitating them nowadays. Two members of Ted Leo's Pharmacists--bassist Dave Lerner and drummer Chris Wilson--had some killer growth (Lerner took the look further with the ratty long hair to go with the beard), but the main competition was between Wilson and the Black Keys' ­­Auerbach. I'm going to give the edge on Day One to Wilson, who ended up looking like a cross between Nirvana's Krist Novocelic and...Christ. With maybe a little Bronson Pinchot thrown in. Walsh should have him beat by the end of the weekend, but for now I give the edge to Wilson.

Worst hair: G. Love’s bassist, Jimmy Jazz (of course G. Love's bassist would be named Jimmy Jazz). Just gross.

Best cover: G. Love's "Gin and Juice" was enjoyable in a "shake your head and pretend that this sucks" kind of way, and I was more than prepared to give this award to Polyphonic Spree's "Lithium", but all was trumped with about 20 minutes left in Day One when Eddie Vedder joined Ben Harper on stage. They show up at each other's shows a lot, it seems, and I've heard phenomenal renditions of PJ's "Indifference" (which they apparently played at Pearl Jam's secret Vic Theatre show Thursday night), but...watching the faces of these two while they were performing the most intense song of all-time was something that was, well, worth the $195 price of the festival in and of itself.

Best contact high: I assumed moe. would dominate the scorecard on this one, but I'd say they only scored about an 8 on a 10-point scale. Polyphonic Spree, on the other hand, scored about a 12. Ben Harper followed with about a 6, and everybody else hovered around the 3 range.

Most Frustrating Part of Lollapalooza: The dirt. As more people fill the park on Days Two and Three, I'm pretty sure the future winner will be the crowds (unless the weather trumps it), but for now...I love the Buckingham Fountain that welcomes you at the Lolla entrance. It's cool, it gives off a nice, much-appreciated breeze, it reminds me of Married...With Children. But it's also surrounded by dirt and gravel, and to get from one end of the park to the other (it seemed like we had to cross the park after every act yesterday), you have to cross it and inhale an alley's worth of dust. Needless to say, the Benadryl is going to be out in full-force for me this weekend. Ugh.

Number of Mizzou Shirts in the Crowd: 3 (2 not including my own).

Best Incomplete Praise: The dude in the torn-up (on purpose) 1987 Pink Floyd shirt really was a hackysack badass.

Top Three Acts of Day One: 1) Ben Harper, 2) Polyphonic Spree, 3) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists. No surprise there.

And finally, Walsh's Lolla Beard:

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This Is Just Wrong

But I can’t help laughing.

Single-A Savannah Sand Gnats Hosting Lindsay Lohan Drunk Driving Awareness Night

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Weather, Water, Energy 8-3-07

Lotta talk, will there be walk? From the latest UN conference on the importance of doing something about global warming. The little island nations watching their countries submerge are sounding desperate already, but you know, it might hurt our economies to do something meaningful. . . . Meanwhile, 20 m. people displaced in India, Bangladesh, and Nepal by floods. . . . Good overview on the wealth opening up in the warming Arctic and why the nations with borders on it may not be good cooperators in the future. . . . Great. A natural gas cartel like the petroleum one called OPEC is forming. Even better, Russia will be the major player, along with Venezuela. . . . That National Petroleum Council report on the importance of energy security had a couple of tough shots at the US:

"In the U.S., one of the key ways of accomplishing this was determined (in the report) to be fuel economy standard for passenger vehicles and light trucks using existing technologies," Sieminski said. "Some 3 (million) to 5 million barrels of oil a day could be saved" by doing this.

Tighter standards for appliances, portable electronic devices and commercial buildings could also mitigate demand, though replacing energy-wasting devices within buildings would probably lead to a quicker transformation, said William Finger, a senior associate with the Cambridge Energy Research Associates, an energy-consulting firm.

and

Another major factor in energy security lies in ensuring the availability of an experienced workforce to conduct research and development projects, experts say. This poses an immediate concern for the United States, because within the next decade more than half of the country's energy sector workforce will be eligible for retirement. At the same time, the number of students graduating from universities with applicable degrees is shrinking. If this trend continues unchecked, the United States will find itself in a difficult position, said Rodney Nelson, vice president for strategic marketing at Schlumberger Oilfield Services, a corporation that provides technology and services to its customers in the oil and gas industry.

"Unless the U.S. backfills these positions, you could see a real leadership shift in that area from the U.S. to other countries," Nelson told United Press International.

In the end, though, energy security at home relies on energy security abroad, Sieminski said, suggesting energy concerns be more aggressively included in policies that address other major global issues.

Oh, those fuel economy standards. The Dems, as usual, have caved. GM wins again. (Joseph Romm shows how their bought and paid for Congressman deliberately misleads here.) Tell me again what those people are good for? (Wait, don’t answer until you hear how they’re going to make us pay dirty coal producers to clean up their coal for them.) . . . And that big “liberal” donor, George Soros? Biofuel investor and Amazon destroyer. . . . Lake Superior warming and shrinking. Not considered good news. . . . David Roberts at Grist explains why a national “renewable portfolio standard” (requiring a high proportion of electricity derived from renewables) is the way we should be going. Not that the Dems will pay serious attention. . . . Another story on how private insurers are running scared from coastal areas as global warming impact builds. Meaning you and I as taxpayers become the insurance company. Makes you feel powerful, doesn’t it?

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Well, This Will Mess Up My Next Trip to Popeye's

Why Red Beans And Rice Can Be Nauseating

And not for why you might think.

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Lollapalooza 2007 (Day 0)

We have arrived in Chicago, we've been to a Wrigleyville bar, and we're ready to roll for tomorrow!

I’m pretty sure I haven’t been to a concert since last year’s Lolla. Many factors at work there: sporting events and lots of discretionary purchases (new Mac, Wii) draining the spending pool, not a lot of good shows in the mid-Missouri area, et cetera. In other words, I’m going to make Lolla count this year.

Granted, there’s actually an interesting Blues & Roots Festival in Columbia in September (Taj Mahal and North Mississippi Allstars, plus Blind Boys of Alabama, Sierra Leone’s Refugee All Stars, and RL Burnside’s grandson!), not to mention Wilco coming to town, but still. There’s an unbelievable Lolla lineup this year, and plenty to write about. Call this my freelance music writing audition.

A couple weeks ago, Rolling Stone put out a list of their “20 Best Live Bands Playing Right Now”, and Lollapalooza’s got 6 of the 20.

3. Pearl Jam (performing on Sunday)
8. My Morning Jacket (Sunday)
9. The Hold Steady (Saturday)
13. Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Saturday)
17. Muse (Saturday)
20. LCD Soundsystem (Friday)

That’s not too shabby. Adding in The Roots (who have been in my Top 5 Best Live Bands for 5-10 years now and are criminally left off of this list), and that’s seven acts with major live reputations (and strangely enough, their performances come basically in ascending order).

And that gives me something to write about.

What makes a good live act? You can't really apply a formula to it by any means (trust me--I'm a numbers guy...I've tried). Any list that contains Metallica and Flaming Lips or Gogol Bordello and Dave Matthews Band is a list with about 26 different criteria. An overt amount of charisma (U2) or celebration (Flaming Lips) or attitude (White Stripes) or full sound (Muse) or...well, whatever it is that DMB has, can get you a spot on the list. A quick look at the list of Lolla groups above (and The Roots) reveals seven bands completely different in every way--genre, style, charisma, talent. etc. Focusing on these bands (while seeing about 79 others) should be a pretty strong conversation point.

Oh, and my buddy Walsh forgot his razor, but that's okay, he says...he's growing a Lolla Beard! On Lolla Day 0, here's where his stubble stands:

I'll keep you posted.

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Bathroom Round the World

In loo (get it loo!) of my upcoming trip to the other side of the world, I give you 59 of the coolest bathroom signs from across the globe.

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The Minnesota bridge collapse...

I hopped on Google maps, and uploaded the screen capture below...you can see the bridge, and the Metrodome...if you haven't been to Minneapolis, it's hard to grap that there's a stadium and a major university (which is thankfully not in session right now) right down there together. Lots and lots of traffic. I've been on many downtown bridges before, and in a construction zone with baseball traffic...yeah, it's just heartening to see that so many cars landed on parts of the bridge that didn't fall apart.

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Lollapalooza 2007 (Day -1)

One day from departure, and the listening schedule is starting to take shape. Here are the Top Ten Most Anticipated Bands (by Me) for this weekend:

Honorable Mention:

* LCD Soundsystem (Friday, 7:30). Because they made Rolling Stone’s “Top 20 Live Acts” list a while back, and I know little about them (other than the “disco-punk” label). I might have to split time between them and Femi Kuti & The Positive Force, though.

* Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Saturday, 6:30). Because, like LCD Soundsystem, they made the list, and I kinda want to see why.

* Muse (Saturday, 8:30). Same as with LCD and Yeah Yeah Yeahs...though I might have to split between that and Interpol.

* G. Love & the Special Sauce (Friday, 5:30). Because he’s G. Love.

10. Tapes ‘n Tapes (Saturday, 1:30). Because I’m currently enjoying their 2006 release, The Loon (though I might split between them and Kevin Michael...I’m always a sucker for a guy with a ‘fro).

9. Ted Leo & The Pharmacists (Friday, 1:30). Because I was very impressed with their last album, Living with the Living, and they pack lots of variety into their songs.

8. The Polyphonic Spree (Friday, 2:30). Because they’re the only band in the Lolla lineup that could qualify both as a choir and a cult.

7. TV on the Radio (Sunday, 7:15). Because I want to see just how they manage to pull off their sound live.

6. Amy Winehouse (Sunday, 2:15). Because I want to see if she shows up.

5. The Hold Steady (Saturday, 5:30). Because there’s really no one else like them.

4. Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals (Friday, 8:30). Because I haven’t seen them perform in four years.

3. My Morning Jacket (Sunday, 6:15). Because they’re about two steps from becoming my favorite band.

2. The Roots (Saturday, 4:30). Because they’re simply one of the best live bands in the world.

1. Pearl Jam (Sunday, 8:00). Because they’re Pearl Jam, and somehow seeing them now is a bigger deal than seeing them 15 years ago.

And for fun, a Lolla-themed Random 10...

10. “Buckle”, Tapes ‘n Tapes
9. “Colleen”, Ted Leo & The Pharmacists
8. “It’s the Sun” (live), The Polyphonic Spree
7. “Bomb Yourself”, TV on the Radio
6. “Some Unholy War”, Amy Winehouse
5. “Banging Camp”, The Hold Steady
4. “Whipping Boy”, Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
3. “Xmas Curtain” (live), My Morning Jacket
2. “Break You Off (Dub/Sound Check)”, The Roots
1. “Thumbing My Way” (live), Pearl Jam

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Tuesday Pirates Rant™ - Okay, so it’s not Tuesday...

...but yesterday, I was too baffled by what transpired on Trade Deadline Day to actually comment. But a day later, I’m pissed enough to form sentences.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has one of the crustier, more curmudgeonly columnists I’ve ever read. His name is Bob Smizik. Basically, his schtick is “so-and-so stinks.” That’s about all he has to offer. I gave up on Dave Littlefield and the current ownership a long time ago, but half the time Smizik’s columns are so crusty that I get annoyed by him and almost start defending this awful regime. Well...needless to say, I’m not disagreeing with him at the moment.

Heading into this year’s trade deadline, the Pirates had three highly sought-after commodities: veteran relievers. Salomon Torres (who was last seen filing a grievance against the Pirates for getting him to sign a discounted contract by lying to him and saying they’d use one of his baseball compounds in the Dominican Republic), Damaso Marte (who stinks as a closer but as a LOOGY—Lefty One-Out Guy—he’s just about the best in the business, as his current 1.38 ERA would suggest), and Shawn Chacon (who still stinks but has put together a pretty decent year).

How sought-after are veteran relievers at the moment? Well, the esteemed Scott Linebrink (3.79 ERA) was traded by the Padres to Milwaukee for THREE pretty strong minor league pitchers. Octavio Dotel (3.91 ERA, 4 blown saves in 15 chances) was traded to the Braves for a pretty highly-touted minor league starter. So surely Torres (5.00 ERA this year, but ERA’s of 2.64, 2.76, and 3.28 the last three seasons), Marte (1.38), and Chacon (3.78) could get something of value. Maybe Chacon—whose obtaining at least year’s deadline I ranted™ and raved about ad nauseum—could bring something of value in return? With an even remotely competent GM, I’d have been downright optimistic. You trade guys at their highest value, and these three guys will never ever ever have a higher value.

So what happened? Littlefield kept all three of them. His defense?

Littlefield explained that he did not feel compelled to trade pitchers because all except Chacon, who can be a free agent this offseason, have their rights owned by the team through 2009.

"The important thing is that people are interested in our players," Littlefield said.

Yes, that’s the important thing. Not, you know, actually building for the future. He actually thinks the Pirates are like one player away from being a really good team.

That player? Matt Morris, apparently. Here’s what Jayson Stark had to say:

The Giants' brass was sitting around its suite Tuesday morning, bemoaning the fact that it had no decent deals cooking whatsoever. And then, out of the blue, it happened. The Pirates called. And wanted Matt Morris. His 7.94 ERA since mid-June? Not a problem. That $9.5 million he's owed next year (not counting his $1 million 2009 buyout)? Not a problem. And so they swooped in and finished off a deal for Morris minutes before the deadline -- for a legit prospect (Rajai Davis), a second prospect to be chosen from an agreed-upon list and absolutely zero money changing hands. Well, it didn't take long. For the next two hours, after people around baseball learned of this deal, they couldn't stop calling, e-mailing and texting reactions that could probably be summed up with three succinct words: WHAT THE BX!GRZFDQ!!!!! Don't get us wrong here. We love Matt Morris. Terrific guy. Has had a wonderful career. Should be a fine mentor to those young Pirates starters. But the Giants were just about begging teams to take Morris and offering to chomp big chunks of his money if they had to. Then this team going nowhere dropped out of the sky and took the man and the money. What a country. "That move," said one incredulous front-office man, "is so far out of left field, it's in the Monongahela."

Maybe Littlefield should be commended for actually getting the Pirates some attention from Stark. I doubt he’s had a word to say about this pitiful franchise since last year’s trading deadline, when Littlefield was universally mocked for asking for too hilariously much in return for his craptastic players. On even a mediocre team, this wouldn’t be a terrible deal—Rajai Davis is not a “legit prospect”. He’s 27, and though he’s fast, he has no idea how to run bases, and he’s not particularly amazing in the field. Morris is better at pitching—even way past his prime—than Davis is at playing outfield, and besides...the Pirates aren’t players on the free agent market because players don’t want to play for them. If you trade for a guy and MAKE him come to Pittsburgh, hey...maybe that’s just the way you have to do things. However...

a) Matt Morris has sucked for most of the last two years and is still owed over $16 million.

b) Matt Morris is now the highest-paid player in franchise history. That’s horrid on so many different levels.

c) Littlefield outbid himself for Morris.

d) Littlefield passed on possibly the most talented guy in this year’s draft because his agent is Scott Boras, and he’d be too expensive to sign. But throwing $16 million at the feet of an over-the-hill pitcher, six years past his prime, is somehow okay.

The only reason this trade isn’t one of Littlefield’s worst moves ever is that he’s Dave Littlefield. It’s hard to one up yourself when you’ve...

1) Traded Aramis Ramirez for pennies on the dollar.

2) Traded Chris Young (currently 9-3 with a 1.82 ERA, an all-star with the Padres) for reliever Matt Herges...who was released a couple months later.

3) Traded Leo Nunez (currently 1-0 with a 0.90 ERA in two starts for the Royals...oh, and he’s only 23 years old) for Benito Santiago...who was released a couple months later.

4) Lost 5 prospects in the 2003 Rule 5 Draft because you had to leave room on the 40-man roster for the likes of Raul Mondesi.

5) Passed on a Kip-Wells-for-Ryan-Howard deal a couple years ago because “Howard strikes out too much.” In case you didn’t notice, Ryan Howard’s hit 87 HR’s in the last two seasons, while Wells has gone 6-18 with the Pirates, Rangers, and Cardinals.

Yeah, somehow this move doesn’t even make its way into Littlefield’s Top 5 (nor did his spending $17.5 million on Joe Randa, Jeromy Burnitz, and Sean Casey in 2006). So why am I even angry??

That brings us back to Bob Smizik. When I’m agreeing with 100% of the words coming out of Smizik’s mouth (or typewriter), something’s seriously wrong. But I was almost tempted to paste his entire column.

By making this trade, general manager Dave Littlefield has accomplished the seemingly impossible. He made the Pirates a buyer instead of a seller at the trading deadline. Perhaps, Littlefield missed the part where the Pirates lost 13 of their first 15 after the All-Star Game and went from a team with a glimmer of hope to one careening toward another 90-loss season.

It's a move that reeks of desperation and of Littlefield, who has yet to produce a winning season in six years, making a final attempt to keep his job, which is widely believed to be in jeopardy.

What's particularly scary is that in acquiring such a contract, Littlefield clearly had to get permission from owner Bob Nutting and that such permission was forthcoming.

It again brings into question, as have so many other moves in the past, whether anyone in the Pirates' organization knows what they're doing.

For example: The deal comes two days after Leo Nunez made a second consecutive strong start for the Kansas City Royals. In 10 innings, in his first two major-league starts, Nunez has allowed one earned run.

Nunez is a prime example of the player personnel decisions of the Littlefield era. In December of 2004, the Pirates traded Nunez to Kansas City, although he was registering upwards of 95 mph on the radar gun while pitching in the low minors. They dealt him for Benito Santiago, a veteran catcher who was so far past his prime that the Pirates released him May 8. He never played for another major-league team.

In other words, the Pirates were dead wrong in their evaluation of Santiago and dead wrong in their evaluation of Nunez.

In an organization still trying to develop pitchers who are 26 and 27 years old, like Bryan Bullington and Van Benschoten, Nunez is only 23.

Morris will be 33 in eight days, and the Pirates see him as a veteran presence to stabilize an otherwise young rotation. In theory, that sounds great. In practice, particularly when the veteran is having trouble getting batters out, it doesn't necessarily work.

In 2005, the Pirates added Mark Redman, a veteran starter, to the rotation and paid him $4.5 million. That was the same year the career of Oliver Perez began a downward plunge that did not stop until he left the organization. This isn't to suggest Redman was responsible for the decline of Perez. It is only to show veteran presence is vastly overrated.

Even if Morris reverses this recent career decline, the wisdom of such a trade must come into question. His salary next season will be $9.5 million, but it could go slightly higher as it did this season. That would represent about 20 percent of the team's payroll. It is not considered a wise policy to pay that high a percentage of the payroll to one player, regardless of the size of the payroll.

But the 2008 payroll does not figure to be a problem Littlefield will have to face.

I agree with everything but the last sentence. If ownership approved the trade, then what makes anybody think that they don’t totally support what Littlefield is doing here? My initial thought on seeing this trade was, “Good...that should be the final nail in Littlefield’s coffin.” But now I’m not so sure.

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Important Questions and Less Important Conferences

While Kos convenes the folks who whitewash his fence while he brings in the money and recognition in their annual self-referential, self-reverential backslapping and echo of every issue and pronouncement of the 1990s, Lambert asks the question that historians will be pondering about the Democrats after their failure is complete (as this proves it will be), the most important question facing this democracy, the one that Kos, with all his wisdom and experience, has said is silly:

"What is the Democrats' plan to restore Constitutional Government?"

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Some Good News from Hollywood

Looks like some folks there have grown consciences about cigarette use in their movies and shows. Good for them. Now just get their “talent” to stop doing it and to start telling impressionable folks to stop. Maybe they should point out the erectile dysfunction that occurs from it. That should get some attention. (Think of the commercials!!)

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Weather, Water, Energy 8-1-07

UN special session calling for developed nations to step up to the plate on global warming and help the less developed ones. Good quote from an Indian official:

"The rich world has to reduce emissions far more drastically than it has done so to date," said Sunita Narain, director of India's Center for Science and Environment. "The political leadership is very high on rhetoric but very low on real action when it comes to delivering the goods on climate change."

But, uh, India’s not really helping much either, is it? . . . Is this what they’re talking about, the new law requiring certain sized homes to have environmental impact statements attached when sold so buyers will know their energy performance and other contributions to global warming? Don’t really see this being popular but will be the sort of thing that has to be forced. . . . Brazil apparently may be getting the message finally, warming (sorry) to more market mechanisms to bring down emissions (whether they’ll work or not is irrelevant at this point). . . . David Roberts is on fire at Grist, offering strategic (not to say perfect) advice for talking about emission-related taxes and against incremental policy changes, confirming that Bush auto fuel economy standards are just “standards,” and tipping us that Congress is funneling more monetary milk to the nuclear power industry that would be much better spent elsewhere. . . . And Joseph Romm has some major blazes going on James Hansen and the possibilities for civil disobedience and against fossil fuel subsidies as well as pine beetles invading a warmer Canada, more greenwashing (this time from GE), the latest atrocity from Rep. Dingell (D-GM), and the idiotic European view that palm oil is biofuel, leading to destruction of palm forests. . . . NE still having the problems of parceling out scarcer river water to angry long-time irrigators as it deals with what other states will likely be dealing with in the near term as well. (For instance, UT wanting to back up and reconsider the water pipeline that NV’s planning, you know, the one that will likely take water from UT. Studies like this horror tale about its future in global warming may be what’s helping drive that concern.) . . . States like ND may suddenly find themselves energy players for everything from carbon-based to wind and ethanol but face the problem of getting that energy to market. . . . Puget Sound and its ecosystem not looking to do well as the warming continues, according to a new report. . . . On a similar note but closer to home for me, I just hate to hear that things are expected to get worse, pollution-wise, for the Chesapeake Bay. It’s such a treasure and we’ve crapped on it, literally. . . . Finally, forget what it’s doing to your glaciers, China, you want to be known for your “Asian Brown Cloud”?

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