Saturday, May 06, 2006

I've never met Caitlin Flanagan...

...and I assume I never will...but I feel the need to connect with her. So Caitlin, have a seat for a second...let me run something past you...


I am a 44-year-old woman who grew up in Berkeley who has never once voted for a Republican, or crossed a picket line, or failed to send in a small check when the Doctors Without Borders envelope showed up. I believe that we should not have invaded Iraq, that we should have signed the Kyoto treaty, that the Starr Report was, in part, the result of a vast right-wing conspiracy. I believe that poverty is our most pressing issue and that we should be pouring money and energy into its eradication. I believe that allowing migrant women and children to die of thirst in American deserts is a moral transgression that will stain us forever.

But despite all that, there is apparently no room for me in the Democratic Party. In fact, I have spent much of the past week on a forced march to the G.O.P. And the bayonet at my back isn't in the hands of the Republicans; the Democrats are the bullyboys. Such lions of the left as Barbara Ehrenreich, the writers at Salon and much of the Upper West Side of Manhattan have made it abundantly clear to me that I ought to start packing my bags. I'm not leaving, but sometimes I wonder: When did I sign up to be the beaten wife of the Democratic Party?

Here's why they're after me: I have made a lifestyle choice that they can't stand, and I'm not cowering in the closet because of it. I'm out, and I'm proud. I am a happy member of an exceedingly "traditional" family. I'm in charge of the house and the kids, my husband is in charge of the finances and the car maintenance, and we all go to church every Sunday. This month Little, Brown published a collection of my essays about family life called To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife. It's written in the spirit of one of my great heroes, the late housewife writer and feminist Erma Bombeck. It's not a book about social policy or alternative lifestyles or anything even vaguely political. It's a book about how much I miss my mother, who died recently, and about the struggles I have had fighting breast cancer without my mom around to help me. It's a book that pays tribute to the '50s housewife instead of ridiculing her.

...

Most of the 60 million people who voted against George W. Bush have lifestyles more like mine than the Democratic Party would like to admit. Most of us aren't the Hollywood élite or the nontraditional family. Many of us do what I do, which is go to church on Sunday, work hard and value my marriage. Again, it's not so much my party's platform that rejects the family; God help us all if Bush's brutality to the poor continues much longer. It's a small but very vocal minority, the Democratic pundits, who abhor what I represent because it doesn't fit the stereotypical image of the modern woman who has escaped from domestic prison.

...

The Democrats made a huge tactical error a few decades ago. In the middle of doing the great work of the '60s--civil rights, women's liberation, gay inclusion--we decided to stigmatize the white male. The union dues--paying, churchgoing, beer-drinking family man got nothing but ridicule and venom from us. So he dumped us. And he took the wife and kids with him.

And now here we are, living in a country with a political and economic agenda we deplore, losing election after election and wondering why.

It's the contempt, stupid.


Caitlin, I took some notes because I wanted to make sure you heard everything I wanted to say.

a) Good for you for donating to Doctors Without Borders. Great cause. How about you use your column space on them occasionally instead of whining about your own plight as a rich L.A. housewife?

b) I don't know what the writers of Salon did to you, but being that I don't know any of them personally, I can't really defend them. But tell me this...since you obviously have the access that any typical housewife would have...is King Kaufman nice? I love his work. Please tell me he wasn't mean to you.

c) Since you hang out on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, tell me...is the view of Central Park great? It sure seems like it would be, but I don't really have access to any buildings on the Upper West Side, so I just have to use my imagination. Maybe some day...

d) I, too, belong to a "traditional family", and my view from the middle of the Democratic Party looks okay. Sure, there are about 1 bazillion things I'd like to change, but nobody's pushing me out the door.

e) Did I mention that I'm a beer-drinking family man...one that grew up in Western Oklahoma to boot? I wouldn't say I'm 100% in charge of the finances (I don't really update the checkbook enough for my wife's liking), though, so maybe I don't count.

f) I will in no way mock your book about your mom and your struggle with breast cancer. It sounds pretty emotional...I bet my own mother would like it very much...she might even shed a tear while reading it. Did I mention that she's a Democrat? And though she's worked plenty in her life, did I mention that she's a stay-at-home wife at the moment? Strange...those angry Upper West Side Democrats haven't been knocking on her door to frown at her yet...must be coming next week.

g) Did I mention she made me go to church every Sunday when I was growing up?

h) So...since I'm in the Democratic party and don't think I'm being shoved out the door...does that mean I've been in the Hollywood Elite this whole time and didn't know it? Dammit. I really need to call up Zach Braff at some point, then...see if he and Mandy want to double date with my wife and me then...all this time I've had all this access and have been wasting it.

i) You are correct...the vocal minority of Democratic pundits really don't have a clue what's going on. That's why most people ignore them. I hate to tell you this, but if you think Democratic "elites" are so bad, why don't you talk to a Republican pundit about Kyoto or Iraq? When you do, let me know what they say.

j) To review, my wife works a part-time job because she wants to have time in her day to take care of the house, do laundry, etc. My mother is currently a stay-at-home wife. Since they too are "traditional" housewives, let me ask you...when do they get to write for Time? Oh...that's not part of being in a "traditional" household? That's an honor only given to certain elite LA residents...and possibly Upper West Siders as well? My bad. Guess I can cross "get a maid" off my To Do List as well.

j) I hate to break this to you, so I'll be as gentle as possible: if someone doesn't like talking to you or is shunning you, maybe it's because waste people's damn time in conversation like you waste your damn column space, whining about your own plight as a scorned traditional woman (with lots of money...who lives in New York and gets to write for Time, et al) instead of addressing the actual problems of the world? Just a thought. Though if you think those awful "careerist" women are mocking you the way you mock them, then I could definitely see how you would be offended.

If you want a couple more opinions on the matter, Caitlin, and I know you do, feel free to click here, here, here, or here (h/t Atrios for the links).

UPDATE, 4:04pm: Edit to change her place of residence to LA.