The Real Must See TV II

I discussed intelligently in an earlier post the sublime appeal of infomercials to anyone of rational and genteel sensibilities. My previous post went over the basic categories of these underappreciated artforms--the ladders and air purifiers, the gurus of wealth, the mattresses of air. But the most prevalent, stylized, and necessary of all are those that appeal to that which matters most to us, that deal with the fundamental human value--us.

These infomercials understand that humans are ultimately flawed creatures. No, not with greed, lust, gluttony (well, maybe gluttony) . . . none of that "from the crooked timber of humanity" business. No, we're flawed with . . . zits, neuroses, wrinkles, unsightly bulges, and too little (or too much, depending where) hair coverage. But it is not for these advertisements a counsel of despair, for they have the answers to our problems. And for an unbelievable low price if we act now.

Historians will discover the underlying truth of the American mind at this time in these odes to our insecurities. Baldness? Throw away the caps and scarves, all those pictures with fuzzy scalps (and they can be pretty groddy, especially the women's), we have the cream (or pill) for you. Depressed? Why, this highly professional (and serious)-looking woman will teach you how she recovered (which might be a tad more convincing if she ever smiled). Clogged colon? There are pills and powders that . . . best not describe for a cultured audience (which doesn't really seem to be the ultimate target group here). Just generally screwed up? Take this combo of, like, 20 pills of all shapes, sizes, and colors, in a vacuum-sealed pouch, all natural vitamin-like things, we're assured, although there is no disclaimer on possible gagging or dying.

I've heard for years that it's difficult for older actresses to find parts, so to speak, in show business, but it's not so for Susan Lucci, Connie Selleca, that Laura Ingalls girl all grown up, Cindy Crawford, or Victoria Principal (who honestly looks pretty scary, Joan Rivers scary). They've all found a home teaching women which creams and covers to take away the wrinkles and years, not to mention savings accounts. The late Dana Reeve actually had one of these infomercials at one point, and I say in all sincerity how appreciative I am that the company didn't haul that effort back out to capitalize on her passing. If it's not makeup that you need, but zit-cover, here comes Vanessa Williams, or, over there, Jessica Simpson, to show you how to keep only those who get unsuspecting close-ups from knowing you have the problems. Not sure what will happen when HDTV takes over fully. To these infomercials or to the actresses.

As a rule, though, it's not the faces that generate the most action. The most ubiquitous infomercials, of course, are those that will get our bodies in the shape of our dreams, and others'. Some of the aids are not all that energetic, for the diet and exercise challenged. What used to be called girdles are now high-tech and creatively named, but you'll be amazed at the difference!!! "My friends and family can't recognize me now. They can't believe it's really me!!!" Which also sounds like the perfect tool for someone wanting out of a bad marriage. I especially like the Latino versions on Univision or Telemundo where they present with far less demurral than the middle-aged WASP-types we get on English tv. I know how stereotyped it sounds, even if a main reason I like Hispanic programs is that their women have curves and know how important they are (maybe someone should make a movie . . . .), but the women in these efforts don't seem to be apologizing for using the structural supports like the WASPs. Maybe they've been taking those depression pills more.

Occasionally we get pills that will do something to something in womens' breasts and increase them one to two cup sizes while they watch tv, put the kids to bed, or clean up the kitchen while the guy they're increasing them for sits on his fat . . . . Sorry. You might scoff at the claims, but it's on television and there are heartfelt testimonials. It must be true. The male equivalent of these enhancements (do I have to spell it out for you?) is done in one of two ways: tasteful (with a GQ-dressed guy and couples at romantic, candle-lit tables talking intimately) and borderline porn. (Really, when Ron Jeremy is the host of a "talk show" featuring mainly fellow female castmates touting the importance of . . . enhancement, it would be sleazy even if they were discussing their favorite yellow pages ads.) The latter are done with such camp that you almost expect them all to burst out laughing any second. These are rarely seen during children's likely viewing times, for some reason.

Most infomercial fans, however, are too intellectually discerning for these efforts. They realize that really transforming (or the usual synonym--"sculpting") your body comes only from one source: diet and exercise. Uh . . . okay, that's two, but you do have diet infomercials that stay away from exercise like a plague and exercise infomercials that only mention diet in the very small print at the bottom of the screen that explains that you'll still need to diet even if you do the exercises being sold. There are two whole industries here that do the infomercials and that need special attention. That comes in the next post.