Ahh, The Grammys...

As I demonstrated in yesterday’s lovely Pirates Rant, I’m an eternal optimist. But that doesn’t go for just the Pittsburgh Pirates (and Mizzou Tigers, for that matter). It goes for things like The Grammys as well. Every year I hope they get their act together. Some years it looks like they almost did. Others like they didn’t even try. Well...the nominations are out...and they didn’t even try.

Record of the Year
- “Be Without You,” Mary J. Blige
- “You’re Beautiful,” James Blunt
- “Not Ready to Make Nice,” Dixie Chicks
- “Crazy,” Gnarls Barkley
- “Put Your Records On,” Corinne Bailey Ray

So...an R&B song, a top pop hit, a country(ish) song, a dance song, and an acoustic female song. That wasn’t predictable at all! No problem with Mary J. “You’re Beautiful” was predictable, but...ugh. “Not Ready to Make Nice” hit me as hard as just about any song this year, but I think we’re all fooling ourselves if we think it was nominated because of its quality (of which it has plenty). It made news, therefore it got nominated. “Crazy” was a token gesture to the hip hop/dance community...though this really was a helluva song. “Put Your Records On” was a token gesture to the Norah Jones community...though she’s as much India.Arie (circa 2001, anyway) as Norah.

Song of the Year
- “Be Without You,” Mary J. Blige
- “You’re Beautiful,” James Blunt
- “Not Ready to Make Nice,” Dixie Chicks
- “Jesus, Take the Wheel,” Carrie Underwood
- “Put Your Records On,” Corinne Bailey Ray

Okay, so Record of the Year is for best production and Song of the Year is for best songwriting. Are we really supposed to believe that the five best-produced songs of the year were also the five best-written? The exact five? You couldn’t at least switch one of them up? If you mailed in this terribly on your nominations, how about I mail it in when deciding whether or not to watch The Grammys?

Album of the Year
- Taking the Long Way, Dixie Chicks
- St. Elsewhere, Gnarls Barkley
- Continuum, John Mayer
- Stadium Arcadium, Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Futuresex/Love Sounds, Justin Timberlake

Before I comment on this, let’s look at some of the genre Album of the Year contenders so we can see who else was considered.

Best Pop Vocal Album
- Continuum, John Mayer
- Back to Bedlam, James Blunt
- Back to Basics, Christina Aguilera
- Futuresex/Love Sounds, Justin Timberlake
- The River in Reverse, Elvis Costello & Allan Toussaint

Best Rock Album
- Stadium Arcadium, Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Living With War, Neil Young
- Try!, John Mayer Trio
- Highway Companion, Tom Petty
- Broken Boy Soldiers, The Raconteurs (to see what I think about The Raconteurs, click here)

Best Alternative Music Album
- St. Elsewhere, Gnarls Barkley (the least lazy thing the committee did this year was classify this correctly as alternative and not hip hop simply because Cee-Lo was involved)
- At War with the Mystics, Flaming Lips (yaaaaaay!)
- Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not, Arctic Monkeys (this is just rock music...most much “alternative” about it at all other than the British accents)
- The Eraser, Thom Yorke
- Show Your Bones, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Best Rap Album
- Game Theory, The Roots (yaaaaaay!)
- King, T.I.
- In My Mind, Pharrell
- Release Therapy, Ludacris
- Lupe Fiasco’s Food & Liquor, Lupe Fiasco

Best Country Album
- Taking the Long Way, Dixie Chicks
- Like Red on a Rose, Alan Jackson
- The Road to Here, Little Big Town
- You Don’t Know Me: The Songs of Cindy Walker, Willie Nelson
- Your Man, Josh Turner

Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album
- Modern Times, Bob Dylan
- Black Cadillac, Roseanne Cash
- All The Roadrunning, Mark Knopfler & Emmylou Harris
- Workbench Songs, Guy Clark
- Solo Acoustic Vol. 1, Jackson Browne

Okay. So Justin Timberlake’s album was one of the five best of the year overall, and Bob Dylan’s wasn’t? I thought Dylan, Roseanne Cash, and Knopfler/Emmylou all might make Album of the Year, but I guess they thought that would be too darn predictable. You know how they hate predictability. Yup.

Honestly, I’ve never really resented Timberlake as a solo artist. The dude’s got a voice, he can dance, and he actually involves himself personally in both the production and songwriting. I don’t buy any of his music, but in some way I respect it. Fine. But are you still trying to tell me that his album was better than any in the Contemporary Folk/Americana category...particularly Dylan’s? I guess Dylan won’t get any major recognition for an album until, a la Ray Charles, he dies...in which case the album released after his death will sweep all major categories whether it’s any good or not.

Wow, I’m particularly cynical today.

And another thing...WHERE IN THE HELL IS PEARL JAM ON THIS LIST? Look, I’m a Music Nerd, and I realize that a lot of my favorite music is never going to be on the radar of Grammy voters. Fine. But PJ’s album was about the one album this year that everybody agreed was great. AND it sold well! It had both of the qualifications! What a wretched omission.

Okay, a few other thoughts...some of them positive, I promise...I can’t believe I’m putting this much thought into a worthless awards show...

- I’m not complaining, mind you, but I find it very interesting that Carrie Underwood’s album is not up for Best Country Album even though “Jesus, Take the Wheel” made the Song/Record of the Year list...and a group I’d never heard of (Little Big Town) had an album that did make the country list. Weird.

- Again, I’m not complaining, but...KT Tunstall didn’t get nearly as many nominations as I thought she would. She was basically the female James Blunt with how inescapable her music was in the last half of 2006, but oh well.

- What a down year for hip hop. What a lame list of nominees. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but The Roots might actually have a chance in the Best Hip Hop Album category!

- “My Humps” for Best Pop Performance by Duo/Group? Seriously? The worst pop song in at least five years gets a Grammy nomination? And the fact that they’ll probably win the category over one amazing song (“I Will Follow You Into the Dark”...I’m not a Death Cab fan, but this song is fantastic) and two reasonably competent ones (“Is It Any Wonder?” and “Over My Head (Cable Car)”) is just disgusting.

- And for that matter, Nelly’s “Grillz” got a freaking nomination???? God.

- John Mayer got nominations from work he did on a live album (Try!, nominated for Best Rock Album), a studio album (Continuum is all over the place), and a soundtrack (“Route 66” from Cars nominated for Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance...though it wasn’t nominated for Best Song Written for a Motion Picture...huh??). That’s pretty tough to do, I would imagine. Good for him. He’s strange, but he’s constantly reinventing himself and experimenting, and I really respect that.

- If Dylan’s “Someday Baby” was nominated for Best Rock Song and Best Solo Rock Performance...why wasn’t his album in the Best Rock Album category instead of Contemporary Folk or whatever?

- Seriously, “Best Urban/Alternative Performance” category? Could they come up with a worse way to say “Best Weird Black Music”?? Do we need a Best White Alternative Music and a Best Black Alternative Music category? Didn’t segregation end a long time ago? Come on...If John Legend and Paul McCartney can be in the same category, then so can Thom Yorke and Erykah Badu.

- Did you know there are FIVE different Best Gospel Album categories (rock/rap, pop/contemporary, Southern/Country/Bluegrass, Traditional, Contemporary R&B)? Why?

- Ike Turner got nominated for Best Traditional Blues Album. I just mentioned this so I could talk about the time I met him at an IHOP in Memphis...

It was Sunday of the Beale Street Music Festival (2001, I believe), and we were waiting for a table. There was a man on the bench next to me who was talking really fast on a cell phone and sounding very familiar. I couldn’t quite put my finger on who it was, and I didn’t want to stare at him to figure it out. Then I heard, “Turner, Party of 2,” and I got really excited. Because of my high sense of morbid curiosity, I spent the next 5 minutes praying that we’d get seated next to him...and we did. (Prayer works!) For the first 10-15 minutes, the only entertaining thing was watching him continue to talk on the phone while wolfing down pancakes and a bunch of vitamins that the girl who was with him (who looked EXACTLY like Tina Turner circa 1965...hairdo and all...was REALLY creepy) was shoving at him.

But then, as they were getting close to finishing, a cute little 4-year old girl came up to him and asked him to autograph her napkin (no way did this little girl have a clue who he was...she was obviously sent over to the table by her parents). He started to reach for the napkin when New Tina slapped his hand, told the girl he wouldn’t sign the napkin...and then reached into her purse and whipped out an 8x10 glossy and a Sharpie. Then the floodgates opened...a line formed, and Ike spent the next 20 minutes or so signing an 8x10 glossy for just about every person in the restaurant. New Tina had enough glossies for everybody. Maybe this is a “You had to be there” moment, but this was the absolute HIGHEST of high entertainment. Anyway.

- Good for The Roots (2) and Flaming Lips (3) for their nominations. At least some of my favs made the cut. Other nominations I like:

1) The aforementioned “I Will Follow You Into the Dark”, Best Pop Performance by Duo/Group nod. Just a very pretty song.

2) “The Saints Are Coming,” Green Day & U2, Best Rock Performance by Duo/Group nomination. This could have been a cheap ROCK POWERS COLLIDING collaboration, but they put their heart into it, and it actually turned out pretty well, I thought. Then again, I’ve only heard it once.

3) “Undeniable,” Mos Def, Best Rap Solo Performance. No way does it win (I assume “Kick, Push” will win easily), but it’s nice to see Mos’ name up there.

4) “Some Skunk Funk,” Michael Brecker, Best Jazz Instrumental Solo. Okay, so I haven’t even once heard this song...you can’t beat that title.

5) After his mention in The Exchange this week, I should point out that Ornette Coleman got a nomination in the Best Jazz Instrumental Album category. I haven’t heard the album, and I didn’t even know he was still putting out music, but it makes me happy to see that.

Okay, I just realized that what was supposed to be a quick, bitchy post about the Grammys has begun to near 2000 words, so I’ll cut it off here. I’ll just leave you with this thought: you haven’t lived until you’ve met Ike Turner in an IHOP. But you’d better hop to that because he’s getting up there in age. Catch the next plane to Memphis!