Grammy Live Blogging!

Live from the living room of the Berlin Niebuhr Mansion, it’s...Grammy liveblogging! That’s right, my morbid curiosity has gotten the best of me. Even though I know I’ll be discouraged about the state of the music business, disappointed by the award winners, and downright pissed at the president of the RIAA for once again telling me that it’s all piracy’s fault that sales are down (not the record companies’ fault for being dinosaur-level slow in adapting to the digital age or cramming the wrong kind of music down our throats, and not the RIAA’s fault for completely and openly despising their own customers), but by god, I’m making myself watch the whole thing. And by god, I’m bringing berlin niebuhr and Mrs. N down with me.

And to prove that I’m the hands-down favorite in the Best Self Torture category...I’m turning on E! an hour early for some of the Red Carpet show! That’s right...an hour of Ryan Seacrest before the show even begins! The pain my morbid curiosity causes me!

6:01pm – The night’s first bombshell! Natalie Maines is a brunette now! Up is down! Left is right! It’s going to be a crazy night! Or something like that!

6:04 – Ryan Seacrest asks Cee-Lo about the hidden meaning of “Crazy.” This is going to be such a long hour.

6:12 – Nelly Furtado just called Timbaland “instinctual.” In other words, somebody just distracted me from my hatred of Ryan Seacrest, and not in a good way.

6:14 – It’s Randy Jackson! And I’m close to changing the channel already. Serenity now.

6:16 – And now Ryan throws it over to Female Ryan (Julianna something) for a gripping interview with the brunette from How I Met Your Mother. She asks if her boobs are taped up...and now it’s Paul Wall! And he’s talking about grillz! Can’t take it! I’m about to black out! Back at 7:00!

6:59 – And we’re back. According to The Butterfly (via phone), as soon as I blacked out and stopped live blogging, I missed the spectacles of a) the Red Hot Chili Peppers getting silly string on Carrie Underwood, and b) Mandy Moore being three feet taller than Ryan Seacrest. I always miss the good stuff.

7:00 – It’s the Police! Reunited! I wish I cared! But hey...at least Sting seems to have broken out his mid-‘80s apparel. He looks like Dolph Lundgren minus the muscle.

7:04 – Not complaining, but they only did one song, not a medley...I figured that was going to last at least 10 minutes. Anyway, here’s Jamie Foxx—sorry, Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx—and apparently he gets to do a standup routine. Is he the host? Is there a host at all? I don’t even know. And anytime somebody has to tell the audience that they’re having a good time...uhh, yeah.

7:05 – Best Pop Collaboration Award (how’d this one get on the live show?). My prediction: Mary J. Blige & U2. Better not be Nelly Furtado & Timbaland. Winner: Tony Bennett & Stevie Wonder. Uhh. Okay. But at least we got to witness Stevie trying to grab Tony’s hand and Tony not knowing he was supposed to lead. Stevie thanks his late mother, Tony thanks...Target. The Butterfly calls, pissed that Shakira didn’t win. “Just because they’re old doesn’t mean they get to win.” Uhh, she obviously hasn’t watched the Grammys very much. The only thing that increases your odds of winning more than being old is being dead.

7:09 – And Mrs. N perks up...it’s the Good Nonsense favs, the Dixie Chicks! I’m thinking they’re going to have a banner night.

7:18 – It’s the MVP of Super Bowl XLI...Prince! “One word: Beyonce.” Confession: I like both Beyonce and Mandy Moore. I don’t own any of their albums or anything, but...how much of my Music Nerd/Snob cred does that take away from me? 50%? All of it? The Chicks’ performance was better, but this wasn’t bad.

7:21 – It’s the Black Eyed Peas (“already Grammy winners tonight”...god help me, Fergie is a Grammy winner...life is unfair sometimes) presenting a Lifetime Achievement Award to Booker T. & the MG’s and the Best R&B Album award. My prediction: Mary J. Blige. Don’t see how anybody else has a chance, aside from maybe Prince. The winner: Mary J. Blige. Probably the most obvious winner of the night. And she’s crying. Get it out of the way now, Mary, because you’re probably going to be accepting quite a few tonight. Mary thanks roughly 1,463 people. The music’s playing, Mary. Finish the list next time you’re up there.

7:25 – It’s “Grammy winner and star of Life Support” Queen Latifah! She’s introducing the three finalists for the Win a Duet with Justin Timberlake competition, and they’re all identical. Apparently you can still vote for the winner, but apparently you’re voting for who looks the best? No idea how you're supposed to know who to vote for.

7:29 – “In a Gadda Da Vitta” used in a Fidelity commercial. I’m not sure how much longer I can live in this world. I’m too young to be this curmudgeonly. Then again, I’m berlin niebuhr’s son. I really never had a chance. Time for Beer #2.

7:33 – And we’re back with a clip of Justin Timberlake talking about the song he’s about to be performing. And now he’s performing it. Wait...so he gets to perform twice tonight? That’s not fair, is it? And he’s not singing “D--- in a Box”?

7:34 – Okay, confession #2: I don’t like JT’s music really, but I have respect for him. That’s right, I’m doing all I can to shoot down all 100% of my Music Nerd cred tonight. Dude’s got talent, he absolutely obliterated Britney in that “Cry Me a River” video, and as I’ve mentioned before, he’s been great on SNL. He’s got talent and humility, so I guess he’s okay in my book. But he still shouldn’t get to perform twice.

7:37 – And now he’s singing into a handheld camcorder. I’m dizzy and unimpressed.

7:38 – It’s Pink and “2-time winner already tonight” T.I.! And they’re talking about Lifetime Achievement Award winners...The Doors. Uhh. And now it’s Best Female R&B Vocal Performance. My prediction: Mary J. Blige. Going out on a limb there. Winner: Mary J. Blige. Has anybody ever won 50 Grammy’s in one night? She might have a chance. And she’s crying again. Luckily she thanked everybody the last time, so this shouldn’t last long.

7:41 – Apparently the winner of the Best Metal Performance was Slayer. Slayer. Grammy winners. In 2007. Who else was nominated, Whitesnake?

7:47 – It’s Stevie Wonder! Again! And he’s milking the spotlight (and annoying Mrs. N)! Introducing a singer-songwriter medley! I’m sorry, but I love Songs in the Key of Life so much that he could introduce every performance and award (and get quirkier and quirkier), and I wouldn’t care. He has lifetime immunity from me. Anyway, Corinne Bailey-Rae (this year’s Norah Jones), John Legend, and John Mayer...why do the singer-songwriters have to get crammed into one act every year? Need I mention that JT’s performing twice, and John Legend and John Mayer have to share the stage?

7:54 – John Mayer is performing “Gravity”. Confession #3: I saw John Mayer perform in 2001 in front of about 12 people, and I refuse to stop liking him simply because his fanbase is 86% 16-year old females and he’s dating Jessica Simpson. Dude can play some serious guitar. Don’t worry, I just tore up my Music Nerd card, so nobody else has to.

7:56 – berlin niebuhr just made himself a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. Just thought I should mention that.

7:57 – It’s Nelly "Instinctual" Furtado, Natasha Bedingfield (I think that’s what they said), and a Random Pussycat Doll, introducing Best Pop Vocal Album. My prediction: either Christina Aguilera or John Mayer. Umm, I'll say Aguilera. The winner: Mayer. Berlin Niebuhr and Mrs. N don’t like him because he was a jerk in Wonderland. Oh well. He’s a pro at the acceptance speech, though...that lasted about 14 seconds.

8:04 – “Performing for the first time ever at the Grammys,” it’s Shakira! With Wyclef Jean! I'd better make sure The Butterfly is watching. Shakira’s the only Grammy-associated artist she likes.

8:05 – She is now. Crisis averted.

8:06 – I wonder if Shakira actually owns a shirt that covers her stomach. Not complaining, mind you...not at all. Just wondering. And meanwhile, I still can’t figure out if Wyclef has any talent. He must, I guess, but I’ve never been totally convinced.

8:08 – It’s Seal and Burt Bacharach, who’s apparently still alive. There is a height difference of about three feet between the two of them. Is Seal tall, or is Bacharach a munchkin? Bacharach awkwardly asks Seal if he’s like to write a song together. They’re introducing Song of the Year (already?). My prediction: Mary J. Blige (go figure), though I’m hoping the Chicks pull this one out. Poor Corinne Bailey Rae doesn’t have a chance. The winner: The Chicks! Nice. Dan Wilson of Semisonic gets his moment in the spotlight, and Natalie says she’s speechless...not sure which one of those two statements had the lower odds, but whatever.

8:18 – It’s the two females from How I Met Your Mother. At the Grammys. Eh? And they’re recognizing the Grateful Dead for lifetime achievement. EH???? David Caruso wasn’t available? I mean, at least he was alive when the Dead formed. And now they’re introducing Gnarls Barkley, performing “Crazy” with an orchestra. Sweet. I didn’t even remotely buy into the hype for The Raconteurs (darlings of the music critics), but I’m all about Gnarls. St. Elsewhere was an EXTREMELY unique album, one with a surprising amount of depth to it, and that’s worth a lot in my book. Plus, let’s face it...”Crazy” really is a fantastic and fantastically catchy song. And don’t think I didn’t notice that the Dude from Semisonic and Cee-Lo have both been on the Grammy telecast in the last 15 minutes. THIS is a world I can live in.

8:23 – It’s Common!! And though it’s extremely scripted, it’s still nice seeing him diss on Kanye West. It’s the Best Rap Album award. Prediction: Lupe Fiasco, though it would make my evening if The Roots won. The winner: Ludacris. Oh well. Anybody who can write a line like “I’ve been saved by more bells than Lark Voorhies” is okay in my book. And he gives a shout out to Bill O’Reilly. NICE.

8:32 – berlin niebuhr is now practicing his tinwhistle in the side bedroom. Just thought I should point that out.

8:33 – It’s Terrance Howard! He introduces Maria Callas as a Lifetime Achievement winner, and now he’s passionately introducing Mary J. Blige. “We are in the presence of true musical royalty.” Yes, we are. Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder are in the front row. But that’s probably not what he was talking about. Now seems like a good time to reheat my BBQ leftovers from lunch.

8:38 – Mmm, meat.

8:39 – It’s Mandy Moore, Leanne Rhimes, and...Luke Wilson? Is he lost? They’re introducing Best Country Album. Prediction: Dixie Chicks (duh). Winner: Dixie Chicks (duh). That’ll piss off Red State America (not that Red State America is actually watching the Grammys). Ugh...Natalie just said, “To quote the great Simpsons, ‘HA HA!’” I love you, Natalie, but try to talk a little less, please.

8:42 - Coming up: a tribute to The Eagles with...Carrie Underwood! I'm a-twitter!

8:45 – I’d just like to say that if I went the rest of my life without seeing that Slim-Fast “Hippy Hippy Shake” commercial, I’d be okay with that. Really.

8:48 – It’s Reba! And she’s introducing Bob Wills and Don Henley as lifetime achievement winners. Seriously, is there going to be anybody left for a lifetime award next year? And now it’s Carrie Underwood, singing what I assume is a Bob Wills song. Yee haa.

8:52 – And now it’s Rascal Flatts, singing “Hotel California.” A respectable-if-totally-unnecessary rendition. And now it’s Carrie doing “Desperado”! Ditto. And now it’s the Flatts AND Carrie doing “Life in the Fast Lane.” So in summary: tonight, we got 3 different Eagles songs (without any participation from an actual Eagle), and yet they had to cram John Legend, John Mayer, and Corinne Bailey-Rae into one 9-minute act? Then again, maybe it’s worth it to watch the Flatts singer try to do the “rockin’ duet” thing with Carrie without actually looking like he’s flirting with somebody about, I dunno, 15 years his junior.

9:02 – Yup, “My Humps” won a Grammy. Shoot me.

9:02 – It’s Natalie Cole and...Ornette Coleman!! Sweet! I hope Erik Loomis is as thrilled as I am! Quite the roller coaster ride for me today. Not surprisingly, he too is a lifetime achievement recipient. I can’t understand a word he’s saying, but I’m SUPER pumped that he’s getting some face time. Time for the Best New Artist award. Prediction: Carrie Underwood. Winner: Carrie Underwood. I guess I don’t have much of a problem with that, though that could be the Post-Ornette Glow talking.

9:08 – It’s music stalwarts, Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci! What chemistry! And it’s time for the Smokey Robinson tribute! I find it disconcerting and disorienting that Smokey hasn’t aged since before I was born. Mrs. N: “I’m pretty sure he’s had some work done.” What gives you that idea? I mean, just because he looks younger than I do...

9:11 – It’s Lionel Ritchie, and he’s singing “Hello”!! That’s right, it’s time for Confession #4. Despite his daughter, and despite the fact that he always comes off a little gruff and grumpy, I love Lionel Ritchie. There, I said it. Maybe it’s because one of my first TV memories was of him singing “Dancing on the Ceiling” at the ’84 Olympics, I don’t know. But it’s good to let the truth out. And now we go from Smokey to Lionel to...Chris Brown, I guess? It’s one of the new R&B names...seriously, what has he done to earn stage time with Smokey and Lionel? I mean, I’m pretty sure Stevie Wonder was available. Granted, he wouldn’t have just done a backflip off a trampoline like whoever-this-is just did. Though I’d love to see him try. Sorry. That was rude.

9:17 – Naturally, next up is, with no introduction whatsoever, Christina Aguilera. It was almost time for Confession #5 here, but I don’t actually like Xtina enough to confess to it. I do love, though, that in the last 5 years she’s performed with both Redman and Tony Bennett. There’s something to be said for that, though I’m not sure what.

9:20 – Jamie Foxx seems pleased with Xtina’s performance, though he has something of a confused “Why haven’t I slept with her yet?” look on his face.

9:24 – I still can’t decide...is Penelope Cruz actually attractive? I guess so. I might just be punishing her for not being nearly as attractive as her best friend Salma, though I’ll stop talking about this now because the whole “berlin niebuhr loves Salma a little too much” thing will just creep me out. Again.

9:25 – And now it’s time for the president of the RIAA to come on and piss me off. Goodie. Let’s see...great new artists...Elvis...a young violin prodigy...a young piano prodigy...the Grammy foundation...$100,000,000 for music education...come on, man, what does any of this have to do with music piracy??

9:29 – Huh. He’s done talking, I’m un-pissed and unfulfilled. And now, again completely without introduction, they’re going through this year’s deaths. Two questions: 1) is the PA system broken, and 2) How did I not know that a Pointer Sister died??? Even berlin niebuhr knew about that, and his radar screen doesn’t extend far beyond La Madrastra.

9:31 – Gerald Levert died??? Where have I been??

9:32 – What I assume is a tribute to James Brown is starting. The tribute consists of a guy dancing and another guy laying the Godfather of Soul cape over a mic stand. Not a long tribute by any means, but relatively poignant.

9:37 – I’m finally finished with dinner. Live blogging is not conducive to finishing a meal before it gets cold.

9:38 – It’s Rihanna (I think...again, no introduction) and...David Spade? Spade makes a joke about “David Bowie and Iman couldn’t be here, so we’re here instead” and introduces Ludacris, Mary J. Blige, and Earth Wind & Fire. Nice. Luda can be quite chauvinistic at times, but when he wants to, he can knock out a pretty poignant verse.

9:40 – And now Mary J. has Farrah Fawcett hair. When did that happen? Has it been that way all night? Either way, I like this song. I won’t complain about Mary J. getting two performances because she’s absolutely knocking this one out, just like she did last year with U2.

9:42 – It’s James Blunt! I wonder what song he’s going to sing!

9:43 – He’s singing “Beautiful”!!! I didn’t see that coming! The one redeeming thing about this is, he’s probably even more sick of this song than I am. And I realize I’m channeling Bill Simmons here, but are we sure that James Blunt and Steve Nash aren’t the same person?


Just wondering.

9:50 – I’m sorry, but I want to see Reno 911: Miami. I think 90 minutes of them would exhaust me, but I want to see it anyway.

9:51 – Tomorrow night on the local CBS news: Academic Doping. Are kids popping pills to get ahead? Hello??? Have you never heard of Jesse Spano???



9:52 – It’s Jennifer Hudson! Here to introduce the winner of the Justin Timberlake Duet contest! The winner is Bachelorette #3!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so…scared!!

(By the way, god bless Youtube. It took me about 6 seconds to find that clip.)

9:56 - T.I. joins Timberlake and Bachelorette #3 onstage. What a Grammy moment!! Or not.

9:58 – So Justin Timberlake the performer really does have a bit of Michael Jackson in him. Does that mean that he’ll grow progressively blacker over the next couple of decades?

9:59 – It’s Tony Bennett and...Quentin Tarantino? Tarantino is over-selling the gushing about Tony. Tony asks for a part in Q’s next movie. Time for Record of the Year. Prediction: Mary J? Dixie Chicks? I’ll go with the Chicks, or as Q called them, Three Nice Texas Girls. Yeah, Q’s drunk. He’s introducing the nominees like they’re an NBA starting lineup. The winner: Dixie Chicks. Woohoo! Don’t let Natalie talk this time. She doesn’t, as the “You’re taking too long” music kicks in really early.

10:08 – It’s Chris Rock! And he’s introducing the band who “put their jocks in socks way before Justin put his d--- in a box,” the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And while we’re doing the ‘separated at birth’ thing...is Will Ferrell their drummer (under the not-too-creative pseudonym of Chad Smith)? This has been bugging me for years.


10:14 – It’s Queen Latifah (again) and...AL GORE?? Nice! Naturally, they’re here to give out the Best Rock Album award. Prediction: Chili Peppers, or maybe John Mayer. Just not the Raconteurs, please. They’re alright, but they’re WAY overhyped. Winner: Chili Peppers. Mrs N.: “Are they the same Red Hot Chili Peppers who were popular when you were little?” I don’t know about when I was “little,” but it’s definitely not a different Chili Peppers. Will Ferrell tells the kids to start a rock band. Anthony Kiedis thanks Rick Rubin, who was a part of every single album put out in 2006.

And we’re in the home stretch of Grammy Live Blog 2007, which is sad...I’m just getting warmed up! And I’m only at 3,200 words! Maybe I’ll keep it going and live blog the local news afterward. Or not.

10:23 – It’s Don Henley and “Currently recording her first album, Scarlett Johannson.” EH??? They introduce Rick Rubin as Producer of the Year. Uhh, DUH. Now it’s time for Album of the Year. Prediction: Dixie Chicks (since they’ve beaten Mary J. head to head a couple times now), though Album of the Year has always been quite weird to predict. I had no idea that Natalie Maines was married to Congressman Petrelli from Heroes, by the way. It’s an interesting world. Winner: the Chicks. Duh. Natalie says “I’m ready to make nice!!” Sure. They’re all a bit choked up, which is cool. I’m trying to be snarky, but it really was a strong album.

10:29 – And Scarlett gets to sign us off for the evening (I can think of worse people to do the job). It’s been fun.