Friday, October 27, 2006

Fact: Chuck Norris is a Giant Wet Blanket

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks all the fun out of Chuck Norris Facts. Okay, not all the fun, but a lot of it...

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.
Dammit, Chuck...we live in the age of irony...where everybody masks their discomfort in the world by trying (and usually failing, myself included) to be funny and wry...Chuck Norris Facts are actually funny, and you just took the fun right out of them. Seriously...

Fact: Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. (Now all I'm going to hear is somebody nagging me afterward..."Actually, life and death are completely decided by God and his Son, Jesus.")

Fact: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. ("Actually, the only thing I wait for is the return of our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ...")

Fact: There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist. ("Actually, I grew this beard out of reverance for Jesus.")

Fact: Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. ("Actually, the Soviet Union failed because there was no religion. Only countries that accept Christianity as their state religion can succeed and thrive in these trying times.")

Fact: There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. ("Actually, we are all one race in the eyes of our Lord and savior...")

Thanks, Chuck.