Please, Just Shut This Man Up

Clinton Portis of the Washington Redskins just keeps laying down the evidence in his pursuit of the crown of “America’s Most Stupid.” After defending the reprehensible “sport” of dog-fighting and Michael Vick’s “right” to be involved in it, now Mr. Portis has done “research” that has informed him that he might have been wrong. What, you may ask, was the “research”?

Portis said he has since done research on the subject and saw people crying over two humpback whales trapped in a river near San Francisco. He said he even wondered if he was being watched on a hidden camera when a woman sitting next to him at an airport spread a blanket and put down a bowl of water for her dog.

"I had no idea the love that people have for animals or didn't consider it when I made those comments," Portis said. "I'm not even a pets man. I've got a fish — that's the easiest thing to keep up. I've never been into dogs, never dealt with dogs, don't like playing with dogs. But at the same time, there's a lot of people who are crazy over pets."

Oh. My. God. Could someone just hand him the revolver with all the chambers loaded? He watched people crying? A woman in the airport was guilting him? People love animals is news to him? Well, there is one indication that two synapses in his “brain” have fired simultaneously:

Portis said Tuesday he'll be more judicious before offering an opinion that might come back to haunt him.

"From now on, I don't comment on nobody," Portis said. "My life is the only thing I can control."

No, Clinton, your mouth, not your life. You're a football player. You have no control of your life. Just control your mouth.